In a previous post I touched on Dr. Popcak's book, "Beyond the Birds and the Bees", and spoke on some of his invaluable advice to parents, on guiding teenagers through those difficult adolescent years. Today I want to jump ahead to a time when there will be dating adolescents in the home. I plan to use this post as a personal reference someday too. :-)In Dr. Popcak's book, he lists "The Twelve Stages of Physical Intimacy". When I came across this list for the first time, my initial reaction was that I wished I had been given these guidelines before I started dating back in my adolescent years. I found them very insightful and my hope will be that they can help other teens and adolescents too.
Dr. Popcak stresses that "each stage corresponds to a level of intimacy and each level must be attended to before the next level can be reached with any success..... Stages 1-5 are appropriate levels of friendship, but no unmarried persons can safely go beyond stage 9 before they have gotten too close - that is, they are engaging in a near occasion of sin."
These stages are created to help teens know how far is too far at what stage of the relationship. I will only be posting the first nine stages, because it is unacceptable for unmarried couples to go past stage nine without crossing 'the point of no return'. Likewise, unless a person builds the friendship required by the first nine stages, sex is nothing more than eroticism aka using and being used by another person.
The Twelve Stages of Physical Intimacy
1. Eye to Body - This is the innocent first look when you notice that space is being filled up by another person. There is no sexual content to this sighting.
2. Eye to Eye - Eye contact is crucial to gauge some one's interest.
3. Voice to Voice - This is perhaps the hardest stage. Dr. Popcak recommends a teen should stay at this level for 4 to 6 months, because to go further before having successfully completed this stage is to put sexual feelings before true intimacy (i.e., the friendship that comes from knowing that someone is willing to help you become the person God created you to be -- and vice versa). This is the stage in which you learn about someone without your judgement being clouded by all those warm fuzzy love chemicals that are released in skin-to-skin contact. This is where you make judgement calls as to whether or not you like this person's character, habits, attitudes, etc. Failure to take this step seriously leads to disaster!
4. Hand to Hand - Now the young man and young woman are a couple and "joined" in a public way; if they break up now, people will ask "where is so and so?" This is also where those love chemicals start pouring in. This is also a stage of friendship; for example young girls in Europe are often seen walking hand-in-hand with their best friends.
5. Arm to Shoulder - This is the "arms around each other" look, also seen in a football huddle. Guys are comfortable doing this step with their buddies. Between a woman and a man it is the physical, public way to say, "We are joined in a special kind of friendship". It joins a couple closer in the public eye.
**Now we approach those stages that leave behind mere platonic friendship and begin to express a more romantic kind of intimacy **
7. Face to Face - IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE SURE ALL THE STAGES PRIOR TO THIS HAVE BEEN DEVELOPED! Intimate kissing serves a 'cementing purpose' and triggers sexual arousal, and once arousal is experienced, stages 1-6 are abandoned and critical work that may still need to be completed in the relationship is left by the wayside. If this stage is rushed into, premature sexual relationships usually occur. The basic friendship will be shallow and the foundation weak. **Kissing is special; don't give it away**
8. Hand to Head - This is actually more intimate than hand to hand. Think of a mother caressing a child's face. The gentle stroking of a face is very intimate and tender action. In Asian countries, it is disrespectful for anyone other than a family member to touch a child's head because of the intimacy level.
9. Hand to Body - By now, you are comfortable with each other; a bear hug, shoulder massage, a stroke on the arm are all acceptable forms of this hand-to-body stage. This does not include any kind of "petting" which is reserved for the last three stages.
**If a person goes any further than stage 9, he or she is entering into the stages of sexual arousal. An unmarried couple avoids these situations, not because they are bad, but because unless they are enjoyed at the right time in the right way, these joys can be spoiled. And that would be a tragedy! **
Well, I hope you found these guidelines as helpful as I did. Please understand that my last two postings on Dr. Popcak's book, barely scratch the surface of all the wonderful wisdom he has to offer parents raising teenagers today. My prayer would be, if you have not already read his book, that after reading my two posts you will feel more inclined to do so. I promise it will be worth every penny.
Before I finish here are some resources for teens as well as parents. Here is a link where the founders Jason and Crystalina Evert have done an amazing job addressing teen chasitity. Then here are some free audio recordings from their show that aired on EWTN. I highly recommend listening to these if you or your teenager have an interest in becoming more informed on this topic.
