How Far Is Too Far In A Relationship?

In a previous post I touched on Dr. Popcak's book, "Beyond the Birds and the Bees", and spoke on some of his invaluable advice to parents, on guiding teenagers through those difficult adolescent years. Today I want to jump ahead to a time when there will be dating adolescents in the home. I plan to use this post as a personal reference someday too. :-)

In Dr. Popcak's book, he lists "The Twelve Stages of Physical Intimacy". When I came across this list for the first time, my initial reaction was that I wished I had been given these guidelines before I started dating back in my adolescent years. I found them very insightful and my hope will be that they can help other teens and adolescents too.

Dr. Popcak stresses that "each stage corresponds to a level of intimacy and each level must be attended to before the next level can be reached with any success..... Stages 1-5 are appropriate levels of friendship, but no unmarried persons can safely go beyond stage 9 before they have gotten too close - that is, they are engaging in a near occasion of sin."

These stages are created to help teens know how far is too far at what stage of the relationship. I will only be posting the first nine stages, because it is unacceptable for unmarried couples to go past stage nine without crossing 'the point of no return'. Likewise, unless a person builds the friendship required by the first nine stages, sex is nothing more than eroticism aka using and being used by another person.

The Twelve Stages of Physical Intimacy

1. Eye to Body - This is the innocent first look when you notice that space is being filled up by another person. There is no sexual content to this sighting.

2. Eye to Eye - Eye contact is crucial to gauge some one's interest.

3. Voice to Voice - This is perhaps the hardest stage. Dr. Popcak recommends a teen should stay at this level for 4 to 6 months, because to go further before having successfully completed this stage is to put sexual feelings before true intimacy (i.e., the friendship that comes from knowing that someone is willing to help you become the person God created you to be -- and vice versa). This is the stage in which you learn about someone without your judgement being clouded by all those warm fuzzy love chemicals that are released in skin-to-skin contact. This is where you make judgement calls as to whether or not you like this person's character, habits, attitudes, etc. Failure to take this step seriously leads to disaster!

4. Hand to Hand - Now the young man and young woman are a couple and "joined" in a public way; if they break up now, people will ask "where is so and so?" This is also where those love chemicals start pouring in. This is also a stage of friendship; for example young girls in Europe are often seen walking hand-in-hand with their best friends.

5. Arm to Shoulder - This is the "arms around each other" look, also seen in a football huddle. Guys are comfortable doing this step with their buddies. Between a woman and a man it is the physical, public way to say, "We are joined in a special kind of friendship". It joins a couple closer in the public eye.

**Now we approach those stages that leave behind mere platonic friendship and begin to express a more romantic kind of intimacy **

6. Arm to Waist - The elbows are crossed behind the back, hands fall to the waist, the couple is "x-linked" together. Conversation is more intimate and serious. Commit now or break up. At this point, if the relationship is broken off, there will be anger and grieving and depression.

7. Face to Face - IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE SURE ALL THE STAGES PRIOR TO THIS HAVE BEEN DEVELOPED! Intimate kissing serves a 'cementing purpose' and triggers sexual arousal, and once arousal is experienced, stages 1-6 are abandoned and critical work that may still need to be completed in the relationship is left by the wayside. If this stage is rushed into, premature sexual relationships usually occur. The basic friendship will be shallow and the foundation weak. **Kissing is special; don't give it away**

8. Hand to Head - This is actually more intimate than hand to hand. Think of a mother caressing a child's face. The gentle stroking of a face is very intimate and tender action. In Asian countries, it is disrespectful for anyone other than a family member to touch a child's head because of the intimacy level.

9. Hand to Body - By now, you are comfortable with each other; a bear hug, shoulder massage, a stroke on the arm are all acceptable forms of this hand-to-body stage. This does not include any kind of "petting" which is reserved for the last three stages.

**If a person goes any further than stage 9, he or she is entering into the stages of sexual arousal. An unmarried couple avoids these situations, not because they are bad, but because unless they are enjoyed at the right time in the right way, these joys can be spoiled. And that would be a tragedy! **

Well, I hope you found these guidelines as helpful as I did. Please understand that my last two postings on Dr. Popcak's book, barely scratch the surface of all the wonderful wisdom he has to offer parents raising teenagers today. My prayer would be, if you have not already read his book, that after reading my two posts you will feel more inclined to do so. I promise it will be worth every penny.

Before I finish here are some resources for teens as well as parents. Here is a link where the founders Jason and Crystalina Evert have done an amazing job addressing teen chasitity. Then here are some free audio recordings from their show that aired on EWTN. I highly recommend listening to these if you or your teenager have an interest in becoming more informed on this topic.

Beyond the Birds and the Bees

I have many favorite parenting authors like James Stenson, Dr. Ray Guarendi, and Dr. Ross Campbell. However, in the past year, it seems like I have been getting a lot of parenting wisdom from Gregory Popcak and his wonderful book, "Beyond the Birds and the Bees".

With teenagers in the house, I find myself recalling those earlier days when I use to tell people: "no one could ever pay me enough money to go back to those teenage years". I truly believed that after putting those years behind me, they were gone -- Boy was I wrong! Nobody ever told me that when you become a parent you get to relive those wonderful experiences all over again. Only this time the pain is 100% worse!! I never imagined how much it could hurt, watching my own children struggle through those familiar ups and downs.

I realized that this time around, as the parent, I needed to find a way to help my teenagers along this trying path. I knew I would have to be a good listener and be sensitive to their feelings, but more importantly I needed to give them the skills to decide to do the right thing on their own. At this stage in life when crushes come and go, my challenge was finding a way I could help them deal with those *feelings*. My children needed to learn how to take those very real feelings and harness them in an appropriate and healthy direction, so no one would be hurt in the process. It has been a work in progress, but this is where I truly have found Dr. Popcak's guidance invaluable.

I personally believe we live in a world under great spiritual warfare. It seems our children and families are the main target. Children today are continually being exposed, no, bombarded by mixed and distorted messages from TV, music, movies, books, media, people and sadly even our public schools. This really came to my attention last week when I ended up having a long talk with one of our neighborhood boys on the topic of abstinence. This young man was only in 7th grade and he already had a 'girlfriend'. I was initially asking him about this when the conversation led into a discussion on what he learned during his sex education class at school.

Over the years, I have grown more annoyed by the terrible mixed messages these sex ed classes teach our youth. These children are taught the facts of life through visual aides. Next, they are taught about using contraception and, in some cases, with hands on practice. Then the teacher might spend 5 minutes or less telling them about abstinence. Now, Dr. Ross Campbell emphasizes that, in order for adults to relate to children and adolescents, we need to communicate on an emotional level through action and feelings, not on an intellectual level through rationalization and words. I couldn't agree more. In these sex ed classes, abstinence is nothing more than a word with absolutely no meaning attached, while the former part of the class is taught through arousing (emotional) pictures, stimulating talks and in some cases practical applications. If children could only be taught, empowered, and be fully supported on what the true meaning of abstinence meant, I am convinced they would not only welcome this concept fully, but we would live in a much much better world.

What does it mean to be abstinent? Bottom line: it means living a life where no person makes it their right to objectify another human being for their own pleasure or satisfaction. In the case of the young man from our neighborhood, he came from an abusive home so he had experienced first hand and understood well what it "felt" like to be objectified. This actually made it much easier to help him understand the meaning of abstinence and how wrong it was to be using his 'girlfriend' to satisfy his own pleasures. Obviously, the conversation went into way more examples where I was able to point out several mixed messages we are fed by the media alone. At the end of the conversation the young man felt challenged and empowered to try and live this lifestyle. He had also expressed wishes that his friends could hear this message too. Unfortunately if he doesn't find the proper support system it will be difficult for him, but I will say that a week later he broke up with his 'girlfriend'.

Back to Dr. Popcak...here are some quotes on what he has to say about why adolescents have those powerful feelings and what they can do with them, that I have found invaluable when counseling my teenagers. First quote: "... sexual attraction is God's way of reminding us that we are not created for ourselves, that we were ultimately created to give ourselves to others, to work for their good." And for those persons that have a calling to religious life or celibacy he says, "It is God's way of calling us to remember that we cannot live for ourselves, and whether we marry or not, we are to use our bodies to work for the good of others." Now, isn't that profoundly different than what society tells us?

Here is what he suggests that we can do as parents: "Teach your children from this age forward that sexual attraction, in its purest form, is really the voice of God calling us to pray, or do some genuine act of service, for the person who has come to our attention." This advice has been so helpful, and you can pretty much guarantee that, as of lately, we find ourselves saying a lot of prayers for those 'that have come to our attention'.

Dr. Popcak also goes on to explain that thoughts cultivate feelings and we need to choose our thoughts carefully. I used this advice a lot during my conversation with the young man from our neighborhood. So I can express this point clearly I am going to use the exact example Dr. Popcak gives in his book... "If every time I am attracted to a woman, especially my wife, I say to myself, 'What a hot babe. I would love to get into her pants,' I am actually cultivating feelings of lust. I am nursing those feelings of sexual attraction for my own benefit and speaking of the other person as if she were an object that I could pose and use as I saw fit. On the other hand, if I experience sexual attraction and say in my mind, 'Thank You, God, for creating this person and giving her Your beauty. Bless her,' I will actually experience feelings of altruism because of the initial sexual attraction." I really like this advice, because it is completely opposite to what we are bombarded with everyday in our society.

Since thoughts cultivate feelings, challenge yourself further by thinking about where you might be getting your thoughts......possibly TV? Billboards? Magazines? Trash novels? -- Be cautious!